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Malia's Journal Updates Alaska - Part 4 |
June
18-
21, 2003 |
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These are misc. journal entries written while in Alaska (besides the ones included with the picture pages) |
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June 18, 2003 - Another meltdown If I could read my own mind I might be able to figure out why I go so crazy when repairs are necessary on the RV. I mean, it's not like I could reasonably expect that I would drive a house 5,000 miles and not incur some maintenance or repair costs. For some reason, however, the second time I was faced with an unexpected repair bill, I came unglued again. I discovered last night that my generator stopped producing electricity to the house even though it continued to run. After worrying about that all night and not being able to sleep well lately anyway, I was able to perform the tasks necessary to take care of the problem this morning - I called the generator manufacturer and they did their best to troubleshoot the problem over the phone. I had already checked the breaker switch, the only diagnostic step in the manual that I could perform. The closest authorized repair service is in Anchorage, six hours away. So I went to a local campground and got the name of a mobile RV mechanic they recommended. His tests revealed a faulty relay switch. He said if it was just the one part, which he had in stock, it would be about $200. If the whole box needed replacement, it would be over $600 and I'd have to wait at least a day for that part to be delivered. Well, that threw me into a complete panic and my mind just started racing a mile a minute throwing all the dire predictions of what will go wrong now and what it will cost - and I have to move to a full hookup campground in the meantime, blah, blah, blah… It didn't matter how much I had learned about what I was capable of - there was no weight given to what I had already been through. I had never felt so alone, isolated or vulnerable. I was tired of having to deal with the seemingly constant things going wrong with the RV and the time and money it takes to do the repairs. Like Dorothy trapped in a distant foreign land, I just kept thinking "I want to go home - I'm scared and I'm so tired and I just want to go home!" Only catch is my home is with me and there really is nowhere else I feel the sanctuary of safety I was looking for. I may own half of a duplex in Austin, and I could certainly have used my mom's arms around me, but truthfully Austin just does not feel like home anymore. To the contrary, if I return there out of a sense of defeat due to my inability to continue my journey, it would feel more like hell than home. This was the first time I had truly questioned my decision to come to Alaska and that alone sent my spirits spiraling downward. Even though I knew I was free to turn around and head south, the thought of the length of that drive brought me to my knees and I knew I'd never make it with this kind of sucky attitude. So I sought out the voice of reason and called my big brother. He and my heart-sister reminded me that I always have a home wherever my family is. They reinforced as they always have that they are there to help me in whatever way I may need it. It was nice to have someone to cry to, but again, all the knowledge in the world was of no help to me at that moment. All I could do was react emotionally and illogically - I cried uncontrollably. It felt like a crisis of faith and I judged myself an abject failure because I couldn't deal with this minor problem with a better frame of mind. Their reassurance finally did relieve my temporary insanity and I was able to at least take a deep breath. The repairman came back and it was fixed for $180.00. I still had the nerve to be pissed off that I had to spend that much. Then Sheryl came by and acted her part as an angel by demonstrating that I am certainly not alone. Her company and her wisdom acted as reminders and although my eyes are swollen, so is my heart for the love and compassion I've been shown today. Tomorrow my week is up at this city campground and while the view has been tremendous, it's very noisy late into the night. This is where the locals come to party and they don't understand "quiet hours are from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am." So I'm moving 20 miles north to Anchor Point to a real campground where I'll have quiet electricity without the need of a generator. I was asking Sheryl what else I should see while I'm in Homer and she said I just needed to rest right now and take care of myself. I think I'll listen to that sage advice. June 19, 2003 I decided to drive the car to check out the campgrounds in Anchor Point before heading out with the RV. By the time I got back, I didn't feel like moving so I will spend another night here enjoying the view before heading to full hookup land. I'm so glad I decided to stay because I met my next door neighbors and we wound up going to the Salty Dawg for a beer and a get-to-know-each-other visit. They are a great couple from San Diego and they made me promise to look them up when I'm down that way. Obviously, I feel a lot better today. Meeting angels always has that effect on me and that's what Bob and Nancy felt like to me as they befriended me and told me how brave they think I am. Now if I can only convince myself and forgive myself for the lapse of sanity I suffered yesterday. I wonder why truth doesn't stick with me. I would think that once I had felt the power and certainty of being convinced that all things truly happen as they should that I wouldn't have so many panic attacks when things don't appear to be going the way I think they should. I've certainly been blessed with that knowledge and it has been demonstrated in my life time and again, so why do I forget time and again? Why can't I just be happy at this chance I've been given without driving myself crazy with questions and doubts? Why can't I sleep peacefully at night when I know I am perfectly safe and secure? Why do I feel so lost and alone sometimes even when people who would be glad to help me surround me? Why do I hate to ask for help so much? I hope just being conscious enough to ask the questions is of some benefit, because I surely don't have any answers at this point. June 20, 2003 - Peace and quiet at Anchor Point I'm a very nice RV park named Eagle Crest run by a very nice lady named Maxine. It's great to have full hookups again and not to have to run the noisy generator when I want electricity. Sometimes dry camping is a great thing, but I do get tired of having to watch the amount of water I use if I don't want to drive to dump it or fill it, etc. I've paid for 4 days here and hope it will be quiet at night. I'll be able to do laundry and clean the RV which has been neglected a bit lately. I hope that once refreshed, I'll be able to make a rational decision as to my next move. I've thought about going back to Anchorage and really putting forth effort to get a job until my mom gets here, but will wait until I'm rested more before deciding. I've also been told by several people now that the tour of the national park at Denali is a rough one - the full tour of the park means 8 hours on a rickety old school bus. No cars are allowed into the park, so that's the only transportation allowed besides a private tour bus, an option too expensive for us. I was going to wait for that until she got here, but another choice would be for me to do that alone and for us to spend our time doing other, more comfortable tours. Since she isn't able to sit comfortably for long periods, that may necessitate a change in plans. I still have plenty of time to consult with her and make a decision if a change is warranted. I haven't even made it to Seward yet, and I know I want her to see Homer, so we could always do that instead. Another reason to be grateful - I still have options... June 21, 2003 - Reflection in Anchor Point Sometimes I think one of the biggest impacts this trip has had on me is the time it has given me just to think. I'm used to my life being taken up by work, daily contact and interaction with people, as well as a lot more sleep than I have had lately. Usually just getting through those things doesn't allow time for much of anything else. It's certainly been a rare thing in my adult life not to have worked for more than 3 months. And although I've met many wonderful people along the way, the bulk of my time and exploration of Alaska has been spent alone. It's something I've said I've wanted - more time to myself - the opportunity to simply enjoy what I experience during this special Alaskan experience. What a luxury - to even have enough time to contemplate what a mystery life can be - to ask the question I remember asking since a child, "Who am I really … and what am I supposed to be doing here?" Therefore I find it interesting that it's something that is taking some getting used to. I almost feel like a little kid that's being let loose on the world and who just doesn't quite feel prepared for that giant a leap. A part of me feels like retreating back into more familiar, known territories and I think about going back to Anchorage and getting some work for a while, just to feel "normal" again. It's funny that I almost just can't relate to being this free somehow. Interesting that I find myself looking for ways to feel more confined, as if that offers more security because I am more used to it. Sometimes I think I must be crazy if I just can't relax and enjoy my "vacation" without all the drama. Crying in awe of the beauty that surrounds me is far easier for me to understand than me sobbing sadly for unknown reasons or crying madly over a repair bill. Why do I create such tension in myself for no good apparent cause or result? I have discovered many more questions with the time I've been given - now I wish a few more answers would open up about this time. Like why am I not happy all the time since I have every reason to be happy? Is it hormonal, a chemical imbalance in my brain, a spiritual deficit, a character flaw, am I just plain good old fashioned nuts, what is it????? |
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| ALASKA PAGES |
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Valdez Russian
River Backyard
Bear! Cassiar
Hwy. Bear Jasper
Nat'l Park Icefields
Parkway |