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As happens so many times, what finally
moved me from my "I can't possibly do that" position looked like a great
curse at the time and turned out to be a great blessing. I lost a job I loved
and it seemed there was no other logical choice but to go back to what I had known
before - the security of a full time legal secretary job. But my heart was having
none of that idea - whenever I thought of it or made a move in that direction,
I literally felt sick to my stomach. I knew there had to be another answer but
no one was letting me in on the secret. So
instead of doing what made sense - save money, stay close to home and spend all
my time looking for a job, I decided to partake in a spiritual retreat hosted
by Neale Donald Walsch, the author of the Conversations with God books. Again,
however, what could not possibly be rationally justified turned out to be one
of the wisest investments in myself I've made. Not only was the setting in Sedona
incredibly inspiring, but just one of the numerous things I learned was that I
had forgotten I could do anything I want to do. It may not come in the form I
envisioned as what it would take to make my dreams possible (winning the lottery
for example), but God has given me everything I need to be creative enough to
manifest what I really want, even if I have to work really hard for it. I was
re-minded that I can create what I want - especially if I don't limit spirit by
dictating what form it must come in. We
all have this choice: let go of our dreams or let go of the excuse why we can't
have our dreams. With a little faith, creativity, courage and work, it is possible
to excuse the excuse instead of the dream. Once
I searched my heart, found my faith and made up my mind, things fell into place
at an incredible rate! Nothing but miracles and angels have come my way since
I started seriously thinking of this odyssey. When hearing of my plans, people
seemingly dropped out from the heavens to help me. They kept using the word "inspiration"
to describe their reaction to what I was doing and they wanted to help, even if
was just encouraging and inspiring me to follow my dream. That's why that word
became so important to me and why I chose that as the name for my home. One
of the most amazing miracles was the revelation my mom came to. Needless to say,
she was not happy with my decision - saw it as absolutely crazy, irresponsible,
not to mention what she felt it was doing to her life since we lived right next
door to each other and she believed she needed me there. It led to a bit of dissension
and stress between us. But she came over one morning and said "I know you
might think this is crazy, but God talked to me last night. He told me you are
on a mission and I was to help you. I don't think you're crazy anymore and I will
do all I can to help you." She has always told me she wished she had the
guts to do the "crazy" things I've done, but I am inspired by the guts
she shows in being as open minded as she is, especially at an age when most people
feel perfectly justified in having an opinion and sticking with it no matter what
and well past the point where it serves their highest purpose. The
next indispensable angels who appeared were the people who sold me my RV home.
There is not a doubt in my mind that this was a serious case of kismet that got
us together. I was put in touch with them by a salesman (Rob Hoffman at Crestview
RV) who sold them their last 3 RVs. He knew they wanted to sell and he was
working with me, who wanted what she couldn't afford. We were the perfect match
so he took himself out of the loop and put us together directly. Tell me this
was not divine providence - a used RV salesman who cared more about his customers
than his commission - a retired couple who cared more about who was buying their
"baby" than their profit because they knew how much I would appreciate
it. They have become dear friends and they are thrilled to have a part in my journey.
I have vowed to carry on the gifts they have extended to me by continuing the
circle every chance I get. My
home is a 2000 Winnebago Itasca Sunflyer - an amazing machine that has every option
known to the RV world - even a combo washer/dryer unit! Surround system that will
rock your world - a true home on wheels, not just an RV. Anyway, an amazing deal
and the perfect home for me. I am thunderstruck at how blessed I am and how often
I forget that. People
also say they couldn't imagine not having a stable home and what would they do
with all their "stuff?" I am fortunate that I have been able to keep
my home in Austin. I have leased my side of the duplex that my mom and I own which
gives me enough for the mortgage and the RV payment. It was an interesting process
going through all my stuff to see what is really important to me and what can
be let go of. I was able to cull through it all and save everything I wanted in
a 10x10 building I had built in the backyard. And
it's not like I don't have a home - I just have one whose backyard changes all
the time... sometimes it's a forest in a state park, sometimes a lake, sometimes
an ocean, sometimes a WalMart parking lot, what the hell... I still have everything
I need with me all the time - my own bed, my own bathroom, my own kitchen and
best of all, all my clothes - I never have to worry if I have forgotten to pack
something. Most importantly, for the first time in a long time, I can honestly
say I love my life and look forward to every day. In
retrospect, the first angel who inspired me in this quest was my best friend and
greatest inspiration, Don. When his wife of over 40 years wanted a divorce, he
was heartbroken, but did not give up on life. He bought an Airstream and started
touring the country. We continued to communicate by email, and I was jealous of
his travels, but it never crossed my mind at the time that I could do anything
like that. He was an integral part of making all of my dreams possible, and his
generous spirit and hilarious sense of humor made my journey more enjoyable than
I even imagined it would be. It was more of a blessing than I can describe that
he joined me, initially to show me the ropes of the road, and was the best traveling
companion I could imagine for almost two years. One
of the things I'm learning in this journey is how to accept gifts. I say I want
to do things, and then when people offer to help me achieve my goals, I don't
want to accept their help - like that's a sign of weakness. I want to do it myself
and if I can't go it alone, I just won't do it. That just won't work anymore.
Like Don told me when I balked at accepting all the help he so graciously offered:
"You tell me all the time that I am your angel - so when an angel gives you
a gift, you don't refuse it." I've thought a lot about that, and I've come
to realize that I can't pray for my dreams to come true and then refuse them if
they don't come in a package wrapped just precisely the way I want them. That's
like putting an ad in the paper and then taking your phone off the hook. People
are calling to answer your request but you're just not hearing them - that is
wasted effort if nothing else. The dream is what is important - if I am given
miracles and angels and gifts along the way, I should be thankful and accept --
and keep the movement of such gifts flowing - don't jam up the works with resistance.
I will be the one on the other end of the giving circle at some point and I would
want my gifts to be received as graciously and freely as I want to give them.
I still listen to my theme
song every morning and try to move through my day "With Arms Wide Open."
I am getting more comfortable in that seeming insecurity. I finally accept that
my life is better led by spirit than by logic - that when I let spirit and heart
guide me, the way is always paved even if it appears bumpy. Even when I don't
fully understand and call events that I don't agree with "negative"
or "wrong" - that even then it's unfolding as it should. And God has
so much more in mind for us than we do for ourselves. In our grandest dreams and
our deepest wishes of what we want for ourselves - what God wants and envisions
and believes us capable of - is far more superlative than our limited thinking
can conceive of in ourselves. So,
having had incontrovertible proof of this belief in spades lately, I have no problem
any more with not knowing exactly what my next stop will be - or for how long.
It just doesn't all need to be decided all at once - just trust that what is out
there will be what you make of it - that that is all the control you need...not
every detail planned out to the tiniest point. I trust - and God trusts me - that's
all I need. And with surrender to this principal comes peace. Of
course I still have fears and insecurities sometimes. I get my little panic attacks
and when I do I tend to get upset with myself. After all the proof I've been given,
it seems unforgivable to keep questioning and doubting. I got up one morning when
I didn't have a job to go to that day and asked God if it was OK that I was so
scared. I then heard his answer very clearly through my heart: "Of course
it's okay - in fact it's even necessary. If you were 100% sure and had every detail
lined up and all the money you needed to begin with, then this journey would not
be so inspiring - not for you and not for anyone else who heard about it or encountered
you during it. And while it's ok to be concerned and take whatever steps are necessary
to make the money you need, you can also trust that you will be taken care of
and your needs will be met. You have all the talent and resources you will ever
need and I will be with you - you cannot fail." I
was then again reminded of one of my favorite quotes from a book entitled "A
Tree Full of Angels - Seeing the Holy in the Ordinary."
"When we walk to the edge
of all the light we have and take that step into the darkness of the unknown,
we must believe that one of two things will happen ... there will be something
solid for us to stand on, or we will be taught to fly." I've
always wanted to fly, and love the feeling of flying in my dreams, so I will continue
to be a willing student. I
hope to touch everyone I meet along this journey in a positive way - to be an
instrument and demonstration of all that is possible for every one of us. If nothing
else, I should be able to prove if I can do something this seemingly improbable,
then so can anyone else. Growth
can be painful and challenging sometimes, but ultimately if we don't do it, we
die in one way or another. This journey will be crammed with growth - and maybe
sometimes I'll be afraid and maybe sometimes I will have doubts - but I vow to
never stop testing my wings. If given the choice, I choose adventure over sameness.
As reminded by a great book I just read "Listen to the Drum"
by Blackwolf Jones: "Where
there is fear, there is a master. Either you will master fear or fear will master
you. But there will be a master." Although
I may not have mastered fear, I have discovered that I can move through it and
not be paralyzed by it anymore. and
the road goes on forever, and the journey never ends... | 
