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As happens so many
times, what finally moved me from my "I can't possibly
do that" position looked like a great curse at the time
and turned out to be a great blessing. I lost a job I loved
and it seemed there was no other logical choice but to go
back to what I had known before - the security of a full time
legal secretary job. But my heart was having none of that
idea - whenever I thought of it or made a move in that direction,
I literally felt sick to my stomach. I knew there had to be
another answer but no one was letting me in on the secret.
So instead of doing
what made sense - save money, stay close to home and spend
all my time looking for a job, I decided to partake in a spiritual
retreat hosted by Neale Donald Walsch, the author of the Conversations
with God books. Again, however, what could not possibly be
rationally justified turned out to be one of the wisest investments
in myself I've made. Not only was the setting in Sedona incredibly
inspiring, but just one of the numerous things I learned was
that I had forgotten I could do anything I want to do. It
may not come in the form I envisioned as what it would take
to make my dreams possible (winning the lottery for example),
but God has given me everything I need to be creative enough
to manifest what I really want, even if I have to work really
hard for it. I was re-minded that I can create what I want
- especially if I don't limit spirit by dictating what form
it must come in.
We all have this
choice: let go of our dreams or let go of the excuse why we
can't have our dreams. With a little faith, creativity, courage
and work, it is possible to excuse the excuse instead of the
dream.
Once I searched
my heart, found my faith and made up my mind, things fell
into place at an incredible rate! Nothing but miracles and
angels have come my way since I started seriously thinking
of this odyssey. When hearing of my plans, people seemingly
dropped out from the heavens to help me. They kept using the
word "inspiration" to describe their reaction to
what I was doing and they wanted to help, even if was just
encouraging and inspiring me to follow my dream. That's why
that word became so important to me and why I chose that as
the name for my home.
One of the most
amazing miracles was the revelation my mom came to. Needless
to say, she was not happy with my decision - saw it as absolutely
crazy, irresponsible, not to mention what she felt it was
doing to her life since we lived right next door to each other
and she believed she needed me there. It led to a bit of dissension
and stress between us. But she came over one morning and said
"I know you might think this is crazy, but God talked
to me last night. He told me you are on a mission and I was
to help you. I don't think you're crazy anymore and I will
do all I can to help you." She has always told me she
wished she had the guts to do the "crazy" things
I've done, but I am inspired by the guts she shows in being
as open minded as she is, especially at an age when most people
feel perfectly justified in having an opinion and sticking
with it no matter what and well past the point where it serves
their highest purpose.
The next indispensable
angels who appeared were the people who sold me my RV home.
There is not a doubt in my mind that this was a serious case
of kismet that got us together. I was put in touch with them
by a salesman who sold them their last 3 RVs. He knew they
wanted to sell and he was working with me, who wanted what
she couldn't afford. We were the perfect match so he took
himself out of the loop and put us together directly. Tell
me this was not divine providence - a used RV salesman who
cared more about his customers than his commission - a retired
couple who cared more about who was buying their "baby"
than their profit because they knew how much I would appreciate
it. They have become dear friends and they are thrilled to
have a part in my journey. I have vowed to carry on the gifts
they have extended to me by continuing the circle every chance
I get.
My home is a 2000
Winnebago Itasca Sunflyer - an amazing machine that has every
option known to the RV world - even a combo washer/dryer unit!
Surround system that will rock your world - a true home on
wheels, not just an RV. Anyway, an amazing deal and the perfect
home for me. I am thunderstruck at how blessed I am and how
often I forget that.
People also say
they couldn't imagine not having a stable home and what would
they do with all their "stuff?" I am fortunate that
I have been able to keep my home in Austin. I have leased
my side of the duplex that my mom and I own which gives me
enough for the mortgage and the RV payment. It was an interesting
process going through all my stuff to see what is really important
to me and what can be let go of. I was able to cull through
it all and save everything I wanted in a 10x10 building I
had built in the backyard.
And it's not like
I don't have a home - I just have one whose backyard changes
all the time... sometimes it's a forest in a state park, sometimes
a lake, sometimes an ocean, sometimes a WalMart parking lot,
what the hell... I still have everything I need with me all
the time - my own bed, my own bathroom, my own kitchen and
best of all, all my clothes - I never have to worry if I have
forgotten to pack something. Most importantly, for the first
time in a long time, I can honestly say I love my life and
look forward to every day.
In retrospect,
the first angel who inspired me in this quest was my best
friend and greatest inspiration, Don. When his wife of over
40 years wanted a divorce, he was heartbroken, but did not
give up on life. He bought an Airstream and started touring
the country. We continued to communicate by email, and I was
jealous of his travels, but it never crossed my mind at the
time that I could do anything like that. He was an integral
part of making all of my dreams possible, and his generous
spirit and hilarious sense of humor made my journey more enjoyable
than I even imagined it would be. It was more of a blessing
than I can describe that he joined me, initially to show me
the ropes of the road, and was the best traveling companion
I could imagine for almost two years.
One of the things
I'm learning in this journey is how to accept gifts. I say
I want to do things, and then when people offer to help me
achieve my goals, I don't want to accept their help - like
that's a sign of weakness. I want to do it myself and if I
can't go it alone, I just won't do it. That just won't work
anymore. Like Don told me when I balked at accepting all the
help he so graciously offered: "You tell me all the time
that I am your angel - so when an angel gives you a gift,
you don't refuse it." I've thought a lot about that,
and I've come to realize that I can't pray for my dreams to
come true and then refuse them if they don't come in a package
wrapped just precisely the way I want them. That's like putting
an ad in the paper and then taking your phone off the hook.
People are calling to answer your request but you're just
not hearing them - that is wasted effort if nothing else.
The dream is what is important - if I am given miracles and
angels and gifts along the way, I should be thankful and accept
-- and keep the movement of such gifts flowing - don't jam
up the works with resistance. I will be the one on the other
end of the giving circle at some point and I would want my
gifts to be received as graciously and freely as I want to
give them.
I still listen
to my theme song every morning and try to move through my
day "With Arms Wide Open." I am getting more comfortable
in that seeming insecurity. I finally accept that my life
is better led by spirit than by logic - that when I let spirit
and heart guide me, the way is always paved even if it appears
bumpy. Even when I don't fully understand and call events
that I don't agree with "negative" or "wrong"
- that even then it's unfolding as it should. And God has
so much more in mind for us than we do for ourselves. In our
grandest dreams and our deepest wishes of what we want for
ourselves - what God wants and envisions and believes us capable
of - is far more superlative than our limited thinking can
conceive of in ourselves.
So, having had
incontrovertible proof of this belief in spades lately, I
have no problem any more with not knowing exactly what my
next stop will be - or for how long. It just doesn't all need
to be decided all at once - just trust that what is out there
will be what you make of it - that that is all the control
you need...not every detail planned out to the tiniest point.
I trust - and God trusts me - that's all I need. And with
surrender to this principal comes peace.
Of course I still
have fears and insecurities sometimes. I get my little panic
attacks and when I do I tend to get upset with myself. After
all the proof I've been given, it seems unforgivable to keep
questioning and doubting. I got up one morning when I didn't
have a job to go to that day and asked God if it was OK that
I was so scared. I then heard his answer very clearly through
my heart: "Of course it's okay - in fact it's even necessary.
If you were 100% sure and had every detail lined up and all
the money you needed to begin with, then this journey would
not be so inspiring - not for you and not for anyone else
who heard about it or encountered you during it. And while
it's ok to be concerned and take whatever steps are necessary
to make the money you need, you can also trust that you will
be taken care of and your needs will be met. You have all
the talent and resources you will ever need and I will be
with you - you cannot fail."
I was then again
reminded of one of my favorite quotes from a book entitled
"A Tree Full of Angels - Seeing the Holy in the Ordinary."
"When
we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take that
step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that
one of two things will happen ... there will be something
solid for us to stand on, or we will be taught to fly."
I've always wanted
to fly, and love the feeling of flying in my dreams, so I
will continue to be a willing student.
I hope to touch
everyone I meet along this journey in a positive way - to
be an instrument and demonstration of all that is possible
for every one of us. If nothing else, I should be able to
prove if I can do something this seemingly improbable, then
so can anyone else.
Growth can be painful
and challenging sometimes, but ultimately if we don't do it,
we die in one way or another. This journey will be crammed
with growth - and maybe sometimes I'll be afraid and maybe
sometimes I will have doubts - but I vow to never stop testing
my wings. If given the choice, I choose adventure over sameness.
As reminded by a great book I just read "Listen to
the Drum" by Blackwolf Jones:
"Where
there is fear, there is a master. Either you will master
fear or fear will master you. But there will be a master."
Although I may
not have mastered fear, I have discovered that I can move
through it and not be paralyzed by it anymore.
and the road goes
on forever, and the journey never ends... |
