Update sent February 27, 2005:

I always realize it's been too long since I've done an update when I start getting email from people asking what's going on with me. Everyone is happy about my last news about my article being published, but then they start asking other questions and then I start answering them and then I realize I would only have to write it once if I did an update. That's the "lazy" part of me - if I can do it once and cover a lot of bases instead of doing the same thing x # of times, I'd rather do it once.

In thinking about doing one, I realized that one of the reasons I hadn't sent a general update lately is I hadn't wanted to address how I was supporting myself if I wasn't working for a law office. The answer to that was that I was living off my savings while I was consumed with the idea of beginning to follow my dream of writing. I had finally become inspired with a real specific project I longed to work on. But not only was I not ready to reveal that plan "publicly," I also knew I would run out of money long before the book, etc. could be produced once I had actually completed the work on it. I guess I also wasn't ready to invite questions or criticisms about what I was doing and how "impractical" it is. You would think I'd be immune by now from caring what other people thought of me, but I still do suffer from that dis-ease every now and then.

I felt like I had two parts of my brain pulling at me, one screaming, "just go get a job girl!" and the other gently whispering "give your dream 100% of your attention and it will pay off in ways you can't even imagine right now!" If it takes all my financial resources and safety net savings, so be it. I believe the idea is a good one, I know I could do a good job putting the material together, I am confident I can market it, so what's the problem? Sometimes I know I sabotage myself with negative thoughts until I'm almost paralyzed with fear. Even amid my best of times, I can sometimes only think of the worst that's yet to come. :-)

When I would think about what it would be like to actually be able to make my living doing something I absolutely LOVE doing, my very next thought was, "Well, that's one of those things that you've always been told to watch out for - remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. You'll never make enough to support yourself that way and even if you can eventually make any money doing this, you can't spend all the time it will take because you need to get a job now to pay those pesky bills that just won't wait." Whew! It's a classic Catch 22 situation - if I have to spend most of my time inside a law office, I won't have the time to work on the dream, but if I spend the time necessary working on the dream, where will I get the money to produce it in real form?

But somehow, despite how scared and insecure even I would get sometimes (read: a LOT) - I also had one of those "natural knowing" things going on where I just KNEW it was all going to work out. And that if I took a job at a law office that would capture all of my time, that would be "selling out" - going down the secure route instead of "the road less traveled." As weird as it may sound, I thought that if I did that - even when it looked like it was the ONLY thing I could do to actually pay my expenses - that it would mean the end of my dream, at least for a while. And I also knew that it was time that I stopped postponing my dream and just go for it.

Meanwhile, I was getting these great messages from all sorts of sources (including Hawks), like the email I got from one of my best cyber buds, Tab:

"There is great satisfaction in forcing yourself to do things you don't feel comfortable with, but know you need to do. If you don't rush it and get discouraged with the idea it will start to take shape and grow. Remember James Taylor's song "Like everyone she knows" ---

'Hold tight to your heart's desire
Never ever let it go
Let nobody fool you
into giving it up too soon
Tend your own fire
Lay low and be strong
Wait awhile
Wait it out
Wait it on out
It'll come along'

That's exactly what I was doing - laying low and waiting as I continued work on my dream.

February 19-20, 2005 - Retreat

I started a yoga class this month so I could get in better shape physically. I wanted to add more flexibility and health to my physical body. I ended up getting more than I bargained for when I attended a spiritual focus retreat in Eugene this weekend. Following one exercise that called for us to recall our saddest memory, I immediately thought of the end of my ridiculously short marriage. I had certainly cried before, but in this process I was able to grieve and let go of the grief in a way I never could before because I'd been too busy searching for answers - or looking for someone to blame. Was it all my fault, was it all his? If it was a combination of the two, where exactly did the split reside? Really, how was it possible to get over waiting until I was 53 years old to vow before God and all my family & friends to love one man forever - and then a mere 3 months later, be miles apart and filing for divorce?

But finally at one point I could see us both in a way that has made it possible for me to forgive us both no matter where the blame lay. I saw us as two innocent children who were just trying to find love in the best way we knew how. But that part of my life is over, and while I do have regrets for things I did and didn't do during our time together, I no longer have to keep dredging up the past in a futile effort to try to make it make better sense that it does. I don't have to hold on to those regrets all of my life. I can accept them, I can learn from them, and then I can let them go. I have even come to accept the good that came from our coming together as well as from our pulling apart. The failure of my marriage does not mean that I am a failure, and I can finally wish him success in finding what and who he really wants - and I am finally sure that sometime in the future I will trust my heart enough so that I can do the same.

February 25, 2005 - Lawyer Land again

After not putting forth any real effort lately into getting work at a law office, I was contacted by an attorney originally referred to me by one of my last attorney bosses in Portland. I spoke to him when I first arrived, but he had no need for a temp at that point. I really had to laugh when I walked in to his office and the first thing I saw was a sculpture of a red tailed hawk on his desk. Since that bird has become a regular feature in my life lately in so many ways, I was thrilled to learn he is involved with a raptor rescue organization here and is going to set me up so I can volunteer and even get to pet one!

Even though I really had hoped I'd never have to step foot in another law office again, this contact has been a very pleasant one, as well as the money being a welcome addition to my bank account. Everyone I have met there has been a delightful contact I am glad to have made just because they're really neat people. It's times like this that I wonder how in the world I EVER have any doubts that there is a great, loving spirit watching over me!

February 27, 2005 - Who inspires who?

Today I actually got into an "argument" with another fulltime RVer about who inspired who most! On one of the RV discussion forums I monitor, I have often read with interest postings of one of the moderators. He's a retired fire captain ("Firedude") with a resultant painful lingering injury following a heroic rescue, but he defied the odds and followed his dream of becoming a full time RVer. Last night I responded to one of his posted musings about not wanting to get caught at the end of life full of regrets instead of full of memories of dreams fulfilled. I said what he had written had really inspired me and that I never used that word lightly. I got an email from him this morning saying he was bowled over when he went to my website after reading my post because it was ME that helped inspire him to begin fulltime Rving! He wrote:

"Even before starting my 'dream' I had discovered your link and had read much of your journal and followed your writings. And I am still amazed… you were one of my main catalysts before beginning and living my dream. You speak of the inspiration I gave you and here you were the one who sparked my dream and told me to live it. "

I tell you, this life has given me many blessings in many ways, but it's the interaction with people like this that is one of my greatest joys.